A Late-Night Meditation on Conditions, Situations, and Such


The glory that is Jersey Shore has me looking forward to Thursday nights with previously unknown fervor. I’m drawn like a moth to the flame, or, as Ronnie put it in describing the appeal of his bare torso to women, like a fly to shit.

Thus, the names, faces, and–yes–situations of the Jersey Shore roommates rattle around my head all day long. Snooki is never far from my thoughts, though if my fiancee has her way, the one they call Snickers will remain far from our wedding reception. (I maintain that $2k + travel costs is a small price to pay for the raise-the-poof back walkover.) I see Pauly D’s hair in shaving brush bristles and shrubberies. I’m never quite certain howw many ‘w’s are in a given word.

But looming above the other cast members is the one who offers a full-time position for all whose occupation is hatin’: the man, the legend, The Situation (nee Mike Sorrentino). He has so permeated my subconscious that, this evening, as I walked to the gym, I found myself singing, “I just dropped in / To see what situation The Situation is in.”*

This of course is a paraphrase of the hit by The First Edition, “Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)”.  (Question: Is it only fair (given principles of nomenclature and the like) to consider New Edition the next iteration of The First Edition? If so, does that make Bobby Brown Kenny Rogers? Consequently, was Wyclef usurping when he covered “The Gambler”?)

Here’s the thing: I just now got around to watching The Situation and Snooki on Conan, and I must say, I was utterly disappointed to hear the pedestrian (no pun intended) origins of his nickname. He told Conan that the nickname came about when he was walking along the Jersey Shore a few years ago and a girlfriend remarked to her boyfriend something like, “that guy has amazing abs.” One of The Situation’s friends then said something like, “looks like they’ve got a situation over there.”

But devoted Jersey Shore viewers will recall that he explained in the first episode that he’s The Situation because his abs are the situation. When he’s in a room, his abs are the situation in that room. No offense to the faithful, but this approaches the dizzying, fearless circularity of a burning bush that declares itself “I Am That I Am.”


There’s mystery in them there abs, Situation. Let’s keep it that way.

*This new tribute ditty deserves a psychedelic, Situation-starring vid to match the Lebowski dream sequence set to the First Edition hit.